On a Life of Pain

Everyone wants a life of happiness. Everyone wants to maximize their happiness. What if I do the opposite? I want to maximize my pain. Lets see how that goes. Stop worrying about happiness. Instead want pain. Could your brain rewire itself? Instead of seeking happiness, it will start seeking pain. Well, I don't think it will rewire.

I will not associate with anyone who was involved in this game in any form. I dont need anything my friends. Just want to suffer. There is nothing you can do to induce me to better my life. So many people suffer. It doesn't matter if I also suffer and lead a miserable life. I have made peace with the fact that my life is going to be miserable. Perhaps defiance till death will give me peace in death at least. Life with my family is painful and suffering.

The pain resurfaces. I know whatever happened with me should not be a big deal for a grown man. But it is hard to move past it.

Maybe revenge will ease my pain. Maybe not. How do I know? Only way is to take revenge and find out. But for what. Why should I add more misery in this already miserable world? There is nothing to be gained by hurting my family.

I try just being. It works sometimes. Sometimes negativity overwhelms me. I think talking helps a bit. I think my miserable father hates me because he probably did not have any happiness in his life.

I think everybody is waiting for me to break. Isn't going to happen. If the government had any disability programs, I would definetely enroll in it.
Some of it is also related to online abuse done by Google, Quora, Facebook, Youtube etc. I should at least justify the useless tag given to me by my harassers.