Life Seems Meaningless

Life seems meaningless. I don't see any point of living. Everything seems so futile. Life is just so fucking boring.

I dont want to get sucked into the vicious circle of life. Plus I dont think a relaxed and easy life is going to happen for me. Perhaps I am doomed forever.

Gloominess engulfs me. Every inch of my being is sad. A sort of listlessness has set upon me.

But I feel peaceful. There is no rush. No urgency. No hurry. No errands to run. No phone calls to make. I can lie in bed all day and it won't matter in the slightest. A luxury few people can afford. I cant help but smile at my fate.

Pain oscillates between rage and sadness and emptiness. For now, there is no pain. But there is also no joy. Emptiness is what it is. Like a still lake without any waves and ripples. One hopes this will be temporary. Sadly, this has become a permanent fixture in my life.

I have lost all will to work. Hacking makes it extra difficult to work. But I am past all the frustrations. Perhaps I should thank my listlessness for this.

I sometimes get a strong urge to create something. I have come to realize that the spark of entrepreneurship in me will never die. I am just built this way. Too many ideas swirl in my head. It becomes overheated. I remind myself of my commitment to break free of the vicious circle. Only then does it relent and frees itself from obsessing over future.

As I lay down in my bed, I experience the futility of life. I am starting to suspect that I am bipolar. Not the maniac kind. Just the normal kind of bipolar.

Suicidal thoughts are back in the fray. I may commit suicide. Life is just not worth living.

I realize that I have created an amazing product in weight loss site. Perhaps the finest till date in this field. Should sell for 1.5cr. I continue to work just because there is nothing else to do. I am not really enjoying it anymore.

It can all be summed up in this one line. I am getting too old for this shit. I sometimes see the light side of all this. It makes me laugh. But the negativity returns pretty soon.

Perhaps I should live just as an experiment. More from an observer's point of view.