Daily Diary

Sisyphus is tired of the loop. Sisyphus feels exhausted due to the hot weather. Weakness permeates every inch of Sisyphus's body.

Sisyphus is in contemplative mode. He ruminates over the meaninglessness. A smug satisfaction comes over him as he explains his reconciliation theory to his friend. This will do. He crowns himself the King of Philosophy. Soon he will have a long introduction like Daenerys Targareyan.

He doesn't want to work on the project today. The fun is only in the chase. The chase is almost over. But he forces himself to work on the project. He has to dot the i's and cross the t's. 

Sisyphus realizes he has psycopathic tendencies. He is not like everyone else.

The realization that he is Sisyphus has made sisyphus a bit more free. Sisyphus has moved one more stone. It is anyways better to die than live in India.

Sisyphus has become disillusioned with life. There is just no fun in life. Life is just so fucking boring. 

Sisyphus doesnt find joy in anything. He is contemplating suicide. There is nothing in life for him. Nothing to look forward to. It is not depression. Just the realization that he will never be able to overcome the emptiness, never be able to find any purpose and meaning. He has seen the big picture.  It is difficult to live pretending otherwise.

He remembers a movie he saw. He was a quiet man. Perhaps he is destined for something like that. He doesnt have it in him to build and maintain relationships.

Sisyphus is going to attempt suicide very soon. It is not a cry for help. It is not a breakdown. Just the realization that life is not worth living. The relentless torture has also aided his decision.

He always knew that the emptiness will catch up with him. Work has also started to seem dreadful. He hates web development. Just grunt work. Nothing else. His enthusiasm is dying. He wants to kill his sister. He wants to kill all women.

Sisyphus can attest that Indians are pretty horrible people. He attributes his misfortunes to the horrible people of India (aided by foreign powers).

He wants to end it all. There is no urgency though. Take it or leave it kind of thing. He will start looking for a painless ways to die.

Even revenge feels useless at certain times.It doesn't matter in the bigger picture.  Sisyphus cannot be destroyed. Maybe he will visit a brothel for a change.  He has no desire for a relationship. Pleasures of flesh to distract him from the morbid banality of life.But even sex doesnt motivate him anymore. He has outgrown it to some extent. 

Sisyphus realizes the futility of money. He doesn't need any money. He has no use for it.The story The Bet by Anton Chekov comes to mind.

Sisyphus has been declared an international pariah. He doesn't care. He is too tired and disillusioned to give a shit.

One wonders what does Sisyphus need? Sisyphus is a creative person. Unlike others, the world is not his playground. His mind is his playground. He needs stimulation. He cannot find joy or peace in the mundaneness of life. Sisyphus doesnt crave a luxurious life. He has no desire for material trappings. They will just limit his freedom. He will become another slave of society; the thing he detests most. Slavery is an inseperable part of human existence. Ever present, imbued in every walk of life. The agony is unknown for people who do not realize they are slaves. It is only experienced by people who know they are slaves. It is the curse of knowledge and wisdom.

All he wants is freedom. The freedom to live the way he wants. The freedom to do whatever he wants. He doesnt want to be labelled. All this is not possible in India. He has to leave India. There is little freedom in India.

Sisyphus is planning to travel. Perhaps the boredom and depression can be allayed to some extent by travel. He wants to travel for a year.  See the whole world. Sisyphus is very worn out. He just wants to die.Piich is also involved in bullying.

What can life offer Sisyphus? Nothing. He doesnt need luxury, he doesnt need women, he doesnt need people. He detests humanity with all his heart. 

What is the point of living for Sisyphus? Absolutely nothing. His family has already killed a part of him. His family is the biggest hindrance to his way of life. It is better to die than live the way his family wants him to live. He holds his family responsible for making him dead inside. He just wishes that no one should ever get such a horrible family. Sisyphus wants to break all ties with his family. But how to go about it??

Sisyphus is definitely going to commit suicide. He sees no other solution. He has peeked behind the curtain. And he doesn't like what he sees. Life doesnt hold any promise. There is nothing behind the curtain. It is just emptiness.

Although Sisyphus has a different hardware, it still has requirements. His hardware requirements are not being met. Existential depression is more of a software thing. But the software gradually acts upon the hardware to modify it. The circuits rewire to some extent. If his hardware requirements are met, maybe things will be different at least at the hardware level.

Sisyphus still isnt able to overcome the emptiness. Of late, he has become more gloomy and cynical in his philosophy. Daily life has become drudgery. There is no positivity left in him. Even work doesnt interest him anymore.

Sisyphus is contemplating a short term live in relationship. Perhaps it can cure his existential depression. 

Sisyphus has decided to pursue thrill and adventure. This is the only way he can live. He will leave for Goa in a few days. The hot weather desists him.

He intends to cut down on smoking. He is always in a dazed state due to excessive smoking. He intends to start exercising. Also stop masturbating.

Sisyphus is completing his projects. He has got a good lead for a fintech product. But he has become worn out. He is not enjoying the work. 

Sisyphus is perhaps also a research subject (the maternal conclusion). 

Sisyphus is unable to completely override his hardware requirements . Although he can live without them, activation of pleasure circuits once in a while would do him good. 

The existential depression has become severe. He spent another hour trying to find something to do. Nothing comes to mind.

Are the steady joys of life to be found in companionships, the warmth of relationships, the safety and security accorded by society? He has experienced them in small chunks. But lately, the manipulation has stripped him of the above. Should he give them  another shot? He scoffs at the thought. He knows he will get bored pretty soon. These things are good only in small doses.

He wonders if this is the state of affairs in this ripe young age, what will happen once he grows old. He resigns himself to fate. 

The burden of wisdom is heavy. The stark reality of the ugliness of human life is beginning to weigh upon him. 

Sisyphus is not part of the rat race. You have to conform to societal norms if you want to be part of the rat race. Sisyphus cannot do that. 

Can too much freedom cause aimlessness? Do you need at least some sort of structure? I guess creative people will have to suffer from aimlessness time and again. There will be periods when you will not be productive at all. Creative people have to live with this.

Sisyphus has concluded that he is a creative person. The joy of creation is the ultimate thing for him. But he realizes the loop. The fun is only in the chase. He is doomed. Doomed to be periodically miserable.

Sisyphus cannot trust anyone. Everyone is trying to gaslight him. But he continues to work. He is not sure of his future. He is not enjoying the work anymore. Just chugging along. 

Sisyphus wants to color his colorless life. He has gone into a shell. He needs to break the shell. Try a few things. Join a swimming class to further his swimming skills and lose weight.

Sisyphus will scale back on work. There is no point of working so much. Sisyphus feels pretty depressed. Today, he feels the need for company. A pretty and hot girl would do. A blonde with blue eyes.

Sisyphus is still looking for anything that life can offer him. Nothing comes to mind.

Sisyphus has decided to obliterate all past. No contact anymore with anyone from his past. Too much manipulation and negativity it is. 

The disenchantment with life continues. Sisyphus thinks that even if all his hardware requirements are met, he will still suffer from existential depression albeit to a lesser degree because fulfillment of hardware requirements lessens depression of every kind.

All  Sisyphus wants is freedom. But being truly free requires that you do not desire anything. The moment you desire something, you become a slave. 

When you try to reduce suffering through software, it can result in existential depression.

Sisyphus is feeling a bit positive today. An extended afternoon nap has done the trick. He feels like travelling. But by night, doom and gloom creep right back in.

Sisyphus is going to take a break for few days. Build a small cooler. He needs to get away from the computer for a while.

Sisyphus wants to leave India. Indians have tortured him a lot. They have made his life miserable. He wants to leave.

Sisyphus has forgotten what being normal feels like. 

Sisyphus has achieved a temporary state of close to just being. It would do him good if he can remain in this state for an extended period of time.

Betrayals all around. Sisyphus is tired and exhausted. Sisyphus is blocking and deleting anyone who was involved in the manipulation. No forgiveness whatsoever. All relationships terminated forever. Only by erasing the past will he be able to move on. On second thoughts, he has decided to cut off people based on the degree of involvement in game.

Melancholy refuses to leave sisyphus. It has become his permanent friend. Sisyphus can't shake it off. He is back in a negative frame of mind.

Sisyphus wants to leave India forever. It has given him nothing but pain and suffering. Horrible country and horrible people.

If Sisyphus has to live in India, he will commit suicide for sure. There is nothing for him in India. Only outside India can he think of making a life.

Sisyphus has become weary of life again. Life is pretty boring for him right now. There doesn't seem to be a anything challenging right now. It is all grunt work. 

Work has become extremely boring and exhausting. Sisyphus is planning to take a break from all this manipulation.

Sisyphus is going to rewire his brain. He is going to rewire to work is not important. Nothing is important anyways.